i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
