Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
