I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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