i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
