the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
