I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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