Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
