happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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