end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
