I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
