My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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