if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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