I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
