I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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