So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
