I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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