I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
