I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
