Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
