Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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