Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
