She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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