I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
