i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize