I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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