I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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