Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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