Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize