How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
