There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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