I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
