yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
