I'm lost and stupid without you.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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