plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
