haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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