our cab driver is having phone sex.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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