so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
