Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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