I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
