I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
