I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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