my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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