Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
