I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize