I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
