She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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