No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
