walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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