he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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