I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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