You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
