I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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