why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
