It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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