I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My dick has a subreddit
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
