Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Green mimosas i think yes
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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