I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
