I met the friendliest cop last night
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
is wine microwaveable?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
